I like alone-ness.
Someone brought to my attention this week that loneliness isn’t always the right word for the feeling. By saying you’re lonely, you’re sort of implying a feeling of emptiness that comes from lack of socialization. But if you don’t feel a dearth, then it isn’t really an absence of something. So you’re not lonely. You’re just alone.
There are people shuffling across our paths every single day. There are people all over the world bumping into me on the tube every single day. Every minute, people are pouring into and out of my consciousness. Another person told me that there isn’t much point to trying to keep in touch with anyone, because there’s no possible way to keep in touch with everyone. Why play favorites?
I don’t connect with very many people on an emotional level – you have to be kind of a deep, thoughtful person in order to relate to some of the thoughts I have. And that’s okay. Because if everyone I ran into was a potential friend, then nobody would really be all that important, even if I could relate to them. When the world is full of friends, the concept sort of loses power.
What I’m saying is, I hold on to people. Even if they’re far away. Even if we haven’t talked in months. Even if there are new people pouring into my life every single day. Because that’s what friendship is. Finding someone who sees the world in a way that matches up with the way you see it, and taking comfort in each other.
And not all of those people are here with me, but that’s okay. Because I don’t feel an emptiness corresponding with my lack of social interaction. I feel alone. I feel isolated. But I don’t feel lonely.
Because I play favorites.